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Exercises in Futility - Fails from the 2017 CrossFit Games

The Reebok CrossFit Games, a pseudo-sports spectacle that I cover ever year, didn't fail to produce the comical disasters and ridiculous contests for which it is notorious. While the hazardous nature of the Games is immutable, the event itself underwent several changes this year.

First, it moved from Carson, CA, to Madison, WI, likely due to its temperate summer weather. Notably, Kara Webb and Annie Thorisdottir, both of whom suffered heat strokes in 2015, placed 2nd and 3rd this year.

what a difference not being cooked alive makes

Also, for the first time in years, ESPN3 didn't cover the Games live; instead, viewers who wanted to watch the Games on TV had to settle for 2-hour recaps on CBS Sports. Incidentally, ESPN2 aired the finals of Street Fighter V, which means that a fighting game is considered more of a sport than exercising.

CrossFit got bodied free

Furthermore, CrossFit primarily streamed the individual competitions, providing scant coverage of the Teens, Masters, and Teams events. Rather than stream on YouTube, as in previous years, CrossFit made the dubious decision to stream on Facebook, a platform that isn't as prepared for high-quality live streaming. As such, many viewers encountered buffering issues and low-resolution video quality. Sales of Reebok CrossFit spanky pants must have been low this year, a trend that will likely continue given that a statuesque Nordic blonde didn't win the Games this year.

"I just want to watch half-naked girls do burpees, dood."

Finally, CrossFit included a cyclocross event, though it was only cyclocross in name. The course was noticeably flat and had sparse obstacles whose difficulty didn't befit a contest that claims to find "the fittest on Earth." Competitors also rode on mountain bikes, not cyclocross bikes, which is like wearing boxing gloves in an MMA fight.

To witness all the bizarre and disastrous moments from the cyclocross event and others without sitting through hours of footage, watch my coverage on YouTube.

Celebrate the stupidity of the Games with this limited edition "CrossShit: Bad Form is the Norm" T-shirt, printed once a year right before the event.

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Exercises in Futility - Self Defense for Snowflakes

Members of ANTIFA have to protect themselves when they leave their parents' basements to start riots under the pretext of protest. Breaking windows and attacking innocent people are dangerous endeavors, after all. In this workout video, I roast these rebel scum as they fail miserably at performing basic calisthenics and self-defense techniques.

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Why Brad "Fake Weights" Castleberry Should Accept Marc Lobliner's Strength Challenge

Prominent YouTubers have been accusing Brad Castleberry, an Instagram fitness personality with over 740k followers, of performing world record lifts with fake weights. Marc Lobliner of MTS Nutrition recently challenged Castleberry to back up his outrageous strength claims at a fundraiser for the Semper Fi Fund, a charity for military veterans. While Castleberry is unlikely to show up, I discuss in this video why he should.

You can pledge to the Semper Fi Fund, which has an A+ rating from Charity Watch, here:

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The Truth Behind Kali Muscle's Shady Sponsorship

Kali Muscle, a bodybuilder and YouTuber, has been called out for working with Wellness Fitness and Nutrition, a supplement company that's under DEA investigation for its role in a steroid ring. The only evidence of this relationship is a picture of his sponsorship contract that recently surfaced on Instagram. Amidst this controversy, Kali Muscle is cracking under the stress of internet trolling. Watch me determine the legitimacy of this evidence as well as briefly comment on Kali Muscle's response to his trolls.

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Exercises in Futility - Roasting Lonzo Ball's $495 Basketball Sneaker

Lonzo Ball, a basketball player for the UCLA Bruins, has unveiled his signature sneaker, the "ZO2." The price? A mere $495. The fact that a basketball player with as many NBA game minutes as a mop boy has the audacity to charge that much for such unremarkable athletic footwear has split the internet's collective sides. Watch my fail-by-fail commentary of the ZO2 reveal video.

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